I guess now that the relationship between me and the person that this was created for has ended, this blog is completely worthless. On the other hand, I suppose I could just keep randomly writing in it when I feel impressed to share anything. Even though the only person that ever read it was her, I could still do it for my personal gain. They say that if you write out your problems or stresses it can be therapeutic and since I don't have anything else to do with my pathetic life, what can it hurt?
Recently, I have been thrown into the deepest depression that I think I've ever experienced. I hate to say that I have depression because it makes me feel weak. Like I have a disability or I'm just less of a human. But it is what it is and I can't change it. The only thing to do is to cope and hope for a better day. The reasons for this depression are as follows:
I lost the love of my life. The bread to my butter. The wind to my Wyoming and the jelly to my peanut butter. I loved this girl with all my heart and I should have treated her like royalty. Little did I know just how much I really loved for her until someone else was holding her hand. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't hurt. I've tried to fill the void with sleep, Hawaii Five-0 and food. That just seems to make me feel more like a loser. It's funny how life works. One day you're on top of the world and the next the world is on top of you, laughing. It's like the fat kid you picked on in grade school that got stronger than you and punched you in the nose in High school because he held a grudge.
I'm living with my parents. I always thought that it would be awesome. Free food. Free T.V. No curfew because I'm a 'grown-up'. Ohhh boy was I wrong. It just makes you feel like a huuuge bum. I love my family, don't get me wrong here, I just don't like to be around them all the time. It also wouldn't be so bad IF I had friends to hang out with and take me away from my sorrows. All the friends that I had in High School all hate me now or are on a mission or at a university. I have a few friends, sure, but playing video games and talking about video games and playing more video games is only fun for a few hours.
No money/ no job. I could easily get a job if I were to put forth the effort and find one. I already had 2 offered to me by my previous employers but I turned them down. I didn't want to start a job that I was just going to leave in a few months. I need one though. Mowing lawns for your grandparents doesn't exactly pay the bills. It might get me a snow cone, but that can only freeze my sadness for so long!
Those are the main reasons that I've figured. Now that I have them written down, I can figure out how to fix them...? One thing is for sure. Something needs to change, fast! I need to get my butt in gear and make something of my life. I need to surround myself with positive energy and maybe start exercising. I hear that helps with depression also. Getting over someone that has changed your life in ways that you didn't even know needed to change is real hard. Probably the hardest thing that I've had to do in my whole life. Nothing compares to the pain that I've been feeling. Luckily, the friends that I do have and the family around me have helped immensely. And I got a puppy to help fill the void. :) I feel like I'm on the upside, though. I'm climbing out of the pit and seeing the light above! Just a few more miles to go... With my friends, my puppy, my medicine, my family, my faith and Betos burritos, I know that it won't be long until I'm back on my feet, ready to take on the world.
